I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
we're so committed to being not committed
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
