This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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