i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
