alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
