I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Drake has all the answers
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
