Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
