Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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