I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Randomize
