not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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