So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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