I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
