My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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