you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
