Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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