believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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