I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
