I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
