if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
