He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
