a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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