Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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