Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
