I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
