They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
