Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you win again, gameday.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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