Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
