My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
