hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
