all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
