I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize