allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
