I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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