I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
