Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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