You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
