You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
