I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
