He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
