we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
