i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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