got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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