I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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