Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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