I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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