I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
