I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize