update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
is it fun? or sober?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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