You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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