this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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