I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We don't watch enough power rangers
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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