I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
