I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
