dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
