I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
