he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize