I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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