So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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