I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
