her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
