I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
