@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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