True but thats because hes a fetus.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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