Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
