Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
