All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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