I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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