I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
