The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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