I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
