I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
