my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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